A resource for all news, strategies, media, and events pertaining to Team Fortress 2, for PC, coming this fall from Valve - bundled with Half-Life Episode 2 and Portal

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This is what this blog is all about

This essay is the absolute epitome of what this blog is going to be all about. Well, comedically anyway. I also have useful stuff too.

From gamespy.com

PlanetFargo: Fortress Fanatic

By Dave 'Fargo' Kosak | July 21, 2006


For many of us, TeamFortess for QuakeWorld was the class-based team game that we cut our chops on. The year was 1997, and I would snipe from the upper deck of the 2Fort4 map until my eyes bled. In fact, I would go so far as to say:

If you were shot in the head anytime between December of 1996 and March 1998, I was probably on the other end of the rifle.

Recently there was a lot of hubbub about the new Team Fortress 2 trailer that was unveiled last week. The word "ZOMG" was used. Indiscriminately.

Now, there are some who might have expressed disappointment that the new look and feel of TF would be exaggerated and cartoony, instead of the serious hardcore simulation look of Valve's abandoned TF2 Project. I am not among them.

Look guys: TeamFortress was never a serious game. In the original Quake version, snipers could cause a man to explode in a shower of entrails with a single charged-up bullet. And of course I've already examined how ridiculous capturing the flag is as a military tactic. Then there's the Medic, who would walk around giving people mysterious tropical diseases. More importantly, said Medic would heal you by hitting you with an axe. Let's think about THAT for a second:

Man: Doctor, I have a cold.
Medic [Sharpening enormous double-headed axe]: I'm afraid it'll have to come off.
Man: It'll have to -- what? Wait, WHAT will have to come off?
Medic [Spitting on axe blade]: All of it.

And how about that Spy? My favorite part of the Spy in the original TeamFortress was that he would walk around wearing a tuxedo that, judging by the player model, he was clearly wearing over a suit of reinforced heavy plate powered armor. This would be totally smooth in practice:

[The Spy waddles up with his arms hanging out from his sides and his elbows locked at a 45-degree angle.]

Spy: Bartender, give me a martini. Shaken, not stirred.

[The Bartender does so. The Spy, however, cannot lift his arms high enough to reach the bar.]

Spy: Just pour it in my mouth.

[An immensely hot blonde walks up in a sequined evening gown.]

Blonde: Hello, sailor. What's your name?

[The Spy turns to her, his torso whirring with the sound of metal grinding on metal. He knocks his martini onto the floor.]

Spy: The name's Bond, Jim Bond.

Blonde: You're ... spurting ... on my leg.

Spy: That's just hydraulic fluid.

Blonde: Oh.

Spy: ... For now.

So I, for one, am thrilled at the corny new look and feel of Team Fortress 2. Flinging Scouts across the map with a concussion grenade won't just look plausible - it'll be damn well encouraged. So will shooting them in the head.... Although I doubt they'll explode into chunky bits that resemble watermelon anymore.


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